Moving On...

My normal schedule for blog posts has been altered lately to allow time for my grandma's funeral. I'm having a hard time moving on in my daily life. There are so many things that need to get done, I just don't want to do them. I try to write so I can escape this pain in my chest, but the words just don't seem right.

All I kept hearing at the funeral is "I'll be okay if I can get through this funeral." I disagree. The funeral wasn't easy, but it is not the most difficult part.

Moving on with day to day life as though nothing happened seems impossible at this point. I want nothing more than to disappear camping with my grandparents again. I was the constant fighting between family members to stop. I want everything to go back to the way it was before we got the cancer diagnosis. I know it's not possible, but that doesn't mean I can't want it that way.

I keep trying to stay busy, but nothing holds my attention for long. I can't tackle any large projects. I can't write for more than a few minutes at a time before I have to do something else.

I managed to upload Summer Love to Nook today, so that will be available tomorrow. I haven't even picked up my blanket since before she died even though I still have a lot of work to do on it.

I'm just restless. I want to go to her house, but I can't be there without her there. I want to curl up on her couch with a book and just sit in silence while she knits and I read.

I want to tell my family that I have been writing. I want to stop hiding, but I can't.

I want life to go back to normal, but at the same time I don't. Normal would mean having her here still. I know she's no longer suffering, and I'm grateful for that, but now we are the ones suffering.

I need my grandma like a little girl needs her mom....

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