Feeling Horrible
Okay, it's not secret that my grandma isn't doing well. I can't even wrap my head around the possibility of losing her. I already know that I will hide and shut the entire world out. I can't go on without my grandma.
Being raised by a single mother, I spent a lot of time at my grandparent's house when my mom was either working or in school. Starting before I was even a year old, my grandma packed me up, put me in the truck, and took my camping with them every summer. Before I could even walk, I spent entire summers away from my mother.
Once I started preschool, I primarily lived at my grandparent's so grandma could get me to school. I continued disappearing with them every summer. When they bought their new camper, I was mad because they didn't let me sign the ownership papers with them. It was my camper too! Yea, I was only four at the time, but it was mine!
Once I got in to school full time, I still continued to spend most of my time with my grandparents. Grandma is the one who taught me to read. She taught me to ride a bike. I learned how to knit and crochet. I wrote stories and she would read them to me.
My grandma was closer to me than a parent usually is, so obviously, the thought of losing her completely devastates me.
So why can't I bring myself to go see her?
My mom is constantly telling me how much of a horrible person because I don't go see my grandma. I have the time. I usually have nothing stopping me from going to visit, except for the fact that I just can't bring myself to do it.
I don't want to see her in her weakened condition. That's not how I want to remember her. I want to be able to think back and remember the strong woman that she was, not the sick and frail person she has become.
The last time I went over there, I had to leave almost immediately because I couldn't take it. She thought my 3 year old daughter was my 10 year old. She thought my 12 year old son was my older cousin who has been dead for almost 6 years now. I know grandma can't help it, but I can't take it. I just can't.
Of course, I feel horrible, because I know that I will never have that role model back in my life. I won't spend another summer in a camper, four hours away from my home. I will never get those days back.
I know I should be there for her now the way she was always there for me, but I just can't. I wish my mom would understand that, but she won't. She doesn't even realize how much this woman means to me. When I suffered my first break-up, it was my grandma that I ran to. When I had a bad day at work, it was grandma's house that I disappeared to.
Grandma has always known how much I enjoy writing. I have come a long way from the comic books I used to draw and have her read to me. She is the only person in the family that knows about my writing. She is the only one I am related to that has seen a paperback copy of one of my books.
I know I need to get over my fear of seeing her in her condition. I'm going to lose her, and I will regret not spending this time with her. I just can't do it.
Being raised by a single mother, I spent a lot of time at my grandparent's house when my mom was either working or in school. Starting before I was even a year old, my grandma packed me up, put me in the truck, and took my camping with them every summer. Before I could even walk, I spent entire summers away from my mother.
Once I started preschool, I primarily lived at my grandparent's so grandma could get me to school. I continued disappearing with them every summer. When they bought their new camper, I was mad because they didn't let me sign the ownership papers with them. It was my camper too! Yea, I was only four at the time, but it was mine!
Once I got in to school full time, I still continued to spend most of my time with my grandparents. Grandma is the one who taught me to read. She taught me to ride a bike. I learned how to knit and crochet. I wrote stories and she would read them to me.
My grandma was closer to me than a parent usually is, so obviously, the thought of losing her completely devastates me.
So why can't I bring myself to go see her?
My mom is constantly telling me how much of a horrible person because I don't go see my grandma. I have the time. I usually have nothing stopping me from going to visit, except for the fact that I just can't bring myself to do it.
I don't want to see her in her weakened condition. That's not how I want to remember her. I want to be able to think back and remember the strong woman that she was, not the sick and frail person she has become.
The last time I went over there, I had to leave almost immediately because I couldn't take it. She thought my 3 year old daughter was my 10 year old. She thought my 12 year old son was my older cousin who has been dead for almost 6 years now. I know grandma can't help it, but I can't take it. I just can't.
Of course, I feel horrible, because I know that I will never have that role model back in my life. I won't spend another summer in a camper, four hours away from my home. I will never get those days back.
I know I should be there for her now the way she was always there for me, but I just can't. I wish my mom would understand that, but she won't. She doesn't even realize how much this woman means to me. When I suffered my first break-up, it was my grandma that I ran to. When I had a bad day at work, it was grandma's house that I disappeared to.
Grandma has always known how much I enjoy writing. I have come a long way from the comic books I used to draw and have her read to me. She is the only person in the family that knows about my writing. She is the only one I am related to that has seen a paperback copy of one of my books.
I know I need to get over my fear of seeing her in her condition. I'm going to lose her, and I will regret not spending this time with her. I just can't do it.
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